Scarred Scared Sacred
by Eileen Owen CFLC on 08/31/20
Following my heart now as I write, scarred, scared, Sacred, all three are present. I can choose which to engage; which of these three inner voices to connect with. Two are very familiar. The other is freeing, nonconforming, loyal, and persistent. It is I who is ever-changing.
It starts as a prompt, an excitement of sharing. What is it that wants to flow through me? In that millisecond of awareness, usually (more times than I care to recall) an ignored, missed opportunity, I have a choice. I can succumb to the scared part of me, the small frightened one that needs protection from the what-ifs. Or I can shift my focus to the scarred, victimized part of me that does not want to be exposed, abused again. Or I can trust myself, my true inner (k)nowing, and take a baby step. Perhaps that step is just to be quiet long enough, to limit distractions, to turn off and tune in, to trust me with me. The Sacred then has a chance to be revealed. I acknowledge the fear, the scared scarred part of me, vow to support her, have her back. I comfort the growing voice of purpose. This Sacred voice I have silenced in fear of ridicule, the Sacred voice that I feared might meet with disapproval. Now I see I am the only one in the way. It is up to me to validate me. My voice is not up for debate, good or bad, meaningful or nonsense. I am the one holding the key, I can set her free.
The scarred part of me has been abused, wounded, taken advantage of. Those scars heal yet are never truly gone. The scared is there to protect? I know now that is false protection. For in staying small and not risking, I remain in a scared scarred hiding, a silent self-imposed punishment. If I choose the light of the Sacred, follow the promptings of my heart, my (k)nowing, I may experience hurt, exposure, and being found out. I may experience joy, freedom, trust, truth, passion, and purpose. I am willing to move out of my comfort zone, be vulnerable, take a risk, and have the experience.
The choice is in the awareness. The choice beckons when I am still, when I am willing to trust myself more than I trust the opinion of others.
When I choose me, I am free. I honor the scarred part of me. I bow to the courage it took to overcome those wounds. I dare to pay attention to that and continue to heal. I have prioritized my growth today. I give thanks to my wise counsel along the way, the ones further down the path that reach back to encourage, the ones who see the path a little clearer. Thank you for all your effort, and for paying it forward.
I am not sure where my path leads, I am not sure I won’t fall or fail. I am certain I must stand. I stand for all the times I sat. I speak for all the times I remained silent. I move forward for all the times I felt immobilized. Today I choose to gather both the scarred and scared and honor the Sacred call along the path. I look back, I reach back, we move forward. Today we choose.
